Thursday, January 21, 2010

Baby of the Year

This time of the year is tough... this time of year is when every talk show and local newspaper decides to run their "Baby of the Year" contest bull-shit. It's a lovely reminder of just how many babies made it in to this world alive while mine is in an urn on a shelf in my TV room... It just doesn't seem fair. I used to love that section of the paper when I was younger... I would read every name and look at every little baby face and smile. Now I want to set the newspaper on fire and shove it up the editor's ass for being so insensitive without even knowing he's being insensitive. Same for Regis and Kelly. I'm sick and tired of seeing all your stupid Tweets about your beautiful baby contest! Maybe I should send you a picture of my stillborn son so you can see what a beautiful baby really looks like!!! It's all just a frustrating reminder of what my family lives without every single day of our lives. If only the world realized that these little things that bring so much joy to most people (mostly the winners, the losers never feel that great) brings so much pain to Mommies like me who have to live without their beautiful babies... Not for anything they did wrong, just for having drawn the short straw in the game of life...

Saturday, January 9, 2010


I sometimes revert to old feelings when faced with babies. Not all babies... just some babies... or rather when I am faced with numerous babies. For example, in a shopping mall, when every stroller is a reminder of what I am living without.
Sometimes I can't help but believe that my son was taken so that those babies could live, because if their baby had been stillborn then maybe mine would've been spared. I know logically that that is probably not the case. I have been through, in my mind, several times why mine was taken and not other people's. I probably know of at least a dozen women who have given birth to healthy babies since mine was stillborn. Each time I thought to myself "why mine and not hers?". Each time I was able to say "well, she had a rough time when..." so she's probably been through enough. Maybe their struggles will take place in the future and I will think back and say "Imagine having to endure a stillbirth AND that?"... Maybe I can bring the taboo issue of stillbirth to the forefront while she will keep quiet. Maybe I conceive easily while she struggles. I don't know the reason I was chosen. I probably won't ever know why, but I have accepted it. It's just that once in awhile I have to wonder. I look at all those strollers and I can't help but think about what should have been.
My life hasn't been all roses but I am thankful for what I have. I believe that every struggle that I have faced throughout my life has helped to build my character, has made me who I am today. I may at times be bitter and thin-skinned but I also believe that I am entitled to those feelings every so often.
I try with all my heart to take a positive approach to life. I try to see the silver lining in every situation, I try not to use my loss as an excuse, I try to believe that the future will bring me happiness.
I used to think that family pictures would never be complete and family gatherings would always be missing somebody but I know now that that couldn't be further from the truth. The truth is that, though my son may not be here with us on Earth, he is always in our hearts. He is in every family picture and present at every family gathering. I see him in my reflection in the mirror and in my daughter's eyes. He is with us when we play outside, when we're eating dinner and when I'm driving to work. He is always with us and he will always be.
I may sometimes waver from my belief that everything happens for a reason but I always come back to it at the end of the day. I have to believe that I was chosen because I will persevere. I will move forward and make the most out of these cards that I've been dealt. It's what my beautiful Zachary would want me to do.

Friday, January 8, 2010

6 months

I thought I would wait and see if anyone remembered that today is the 6 month anniversary of my son's stillbirth. I thought I would see if those who love me and who loved him would offer their support today without me having to ask for it. I even nonchalantly reminded some of those closest to me... my mother, my sister, a close friend... Nobody has said a word to me. Are they waiting for me to bring it up? They don't want to chance upsetting me on what might be a good day? I don't know...
I have learned one thing in the last 6 months, though. Actually I have learned many things. One of the things that I have learned, though, is that people would rather wait for you to bring up your tragedy than chance bringing it up and upsetting you on a good day.
The other thing that I have learned is that the build up and the anticipation of these horrible milestones are much worse than the actual milestones. Thinking about the months that have passed or the holidays that have been missed are much more painful than the anniversaries and holidays themselves.
I miss my son every day. I think of him constantly but I am not sad anymore. I may never feel complete, I will never forget but I can no longer be sad. I will not allow my son's life to be a sad part of my life. I loved him too much to be sad. He wouldn't want his Mommy to be sad forever. He would want me to move forward and smile and laugh and enjoy life, even if it is without him. He would want me to enjoy his big sister and embrace his little sister or brother who is on the way. He would want me to live the best life I can posibly live... and I know he is watching us and he knows how much we love him and miss him and how much we think about him. We don't need to be sad in order to grieve him.
I miss my son but I am not sad. He is with me in everything I do every single day of my life. I carry him in my heart and in my mind. I love him with everything that I have and he will always be a part of our family.

Friday, January 1, 2010

A New Year

I won't pretend that I'm sad to say goodbye to 2009.
Though 2009 had some bright spots... It was the year in which my son lived... if only just inside of me. It wwo children and as the year that he was born. It was also the year that we had to say goodbye to him. For that reason I am not sad to see this year come to a close.
I expected 2009 to bring joy and happiness and a completed family. I imagined having two living children anderness a brand new home. As many people know, life doesn't always turn out the way that we expect it to.
Though I miss my son, I have come to accept that he will never be with us. No amount of sadness or anger or bitterness will bring him back. 2009 was the most challenging year of my life. It turned my world and my family's life upside down. I often wondered throughout this year whether or not I would make it to this day.
Here I sit on the first day of 2010 looking forward to a new year, new hopes and new dreams. I look forward to a year of changes, a year of happiness and love. I look forward to welcoming the new addition to our family and I am prepared for the roller-coaster of emotions that come along with that journey.
I am not sad to see 2009 come to an end. I look forward to moving in to 2010.