Sacrifice

I sometimes revert to old feelings when faced with babies. Not all babies... just some babies... or rather when I am faced with numerous babies. For example, in a shopping mall, when every stroller is a reminder of what I am living without.
Sometimes I can't help but believe that my son was taken so that those babies could live, because if their baby had been stillborn then maybe mine would've been spared. I know logically that that is probably not the case. I have been through, in my mind, several times why mine was taken and not other people's. I probably know of at least a dozen women who have given birth to healthy babies since mine was stillborn. Each time I thought to myself "why mine and not hers?". Each time I was able to say "well, she had a rough time when..." so she's probably been through enough. Maybe their struggles will take place in the future and I will think back and say "Imagine having to endure a stillbirth AND that?"... Maybe I can bring the taboo issue of stillbirth to the forefront while she will keep quiet. Maybe I conceive easily while she struggles. I don't know the reason I was chosen. I probably won't ever know why, but I have accepted it. It's just that once in awhile I have to wonder. I look at all those strollers and I can't help but think about what should have been.
My life hasn't been all roses but I am thankful for what I have. I believe that every struggle that I have faced throughout my life has helped to build my character, has made me who I am today. I may at times be bitter and thin-skinned but I also believe that I am entitled to those feelings every so often.
I try with all my heart to take a positive approach to life. I try to see the silver lining in every situation, I try not to use my loss as an excuse, I try to believe that the future will bring me happiness.
I used to think that family pictures would never be complete and family gatherings would always be missing somebody but I know now that that couldn't be further from the truth. The truth is that, though my son may not be here with us on Earth, he is always in our hearts. He is in every family picture and present at every family gathering. I see him in my reflection in the mirror and in my daughter's eyes. He is with us when we play outside, when we're eating dinner and when I'm driving to work. He is always with us and he will always be.
I may sometimes waver from my belief that everything happens for a reason but I always come back to it at the end of the day. I have to believe that I was chosen because I will persevere. I will move forward and make the most out of these cards that I've been dealt. It's what my beautiful Zachary would want me to do.

6 months

I thought I would wait and see if anyone remembered that today is the 6 month anniversary of my son's stillbirth. I thought I would see if those who love me and who loved him would offer their support today without me having to ask for it. I even nonchalantly reminded some of those closest to me... my mother, my sister, a close friend... Nobody has said a word to me. Are they waiting for me to bring it up? They don't want to chance upsetting me on what might be a good day? I don't know...
I have learned one thing in the last 6 months, though. Actually I have learned many things. One of the things that I have learned, though, is that people would rather wait for you to bring up your tragedy than chance bringing it up and upsetting you on a good day.
The other thing that I have learned is that the build up and the anticipation of these horrible milestones are much worse than the actual milestones. Thinking about the months that have passed or the holidays that have been missed are much more painful than the anniversaries and holidays themselves.
I miss my son every day. I think of him constantly but I am not sad anymore. I may never feel complete, I will never forget but I can no longer be sad. I will not allow my son's life to be a sad part of my life. I loved him too much to be sad. He wouldn't want his Mommy to be sad forever. He would want me to move forward and smile and laugh and enjoy life, even if it is without him. He would want me to enjoy his big sister and embrace his little sister or brother who is on the way. He would want me to live the best life I can posibly live... and I know he is watching us and he knows how much we love him and miss him and how much we think about him. We don't need to be sad in order to grieve him.
I miss my son but I am not sad. He is with me in everything I do every single day of my life. I carry him in my heart and in my mind. I love him with everything that I have and he will always be a part of our family.