Sacrifice

I sometimes revert to old feelings when faced with babies. Not all babies... just some babies... or rather when I am faced with numerous babies. For example, in a shopping mall, when every stroller is a reminder of what I am living without.
Sometimes I can't help but believe that my son was taken so that those babies could live, because if their baby had been stillborn then maybe mine would've been spared. I know logically that that is probably not the case. I have been through, in my mind, several times why mine was taken and not other people's. I probably know of at least a dozen women who have given birth to healthy babies since mine was stillborn. Each time I thought to myself "why mine and not hers?". Each time I was able to say "well, she had a rough time when..." so she's probably been through enough. Maybe their struggles will take place in the future and I will think back and say "Imagine having to endure a stillbirth AND that?"... Maybe I can bring the taboo issue of stillbirth to the forefront while she will keep quiet. Maybe I conceive easily while she struggles. I don't know the reason I was chosen. I probably won't ever know why, but I have accepted it. It's just that once in awhile I have to wonder. I look at all those strollers and I can't help but think about what should have been.
My life hasn't been all roses but I am thankful for what I have. I believe that every struggle that I have faced throughout my life has helped to build my character, has made me who I am today. I may at times be bitter and thin-skinned but I also believe that I am entitled to those feelings every so often.
I try with all my heart to take a positive approach to life. I try to see the silver lining in every situation, I try not to use my loss as an excuse, I try to believe that the future will bring me happiness.
I used to think that family pictures would never be complete and family gatherings would always be missing somebody but I know now that that couldn't be further from the truth. The truth is that, though my son may not be here with us on Earth, he is always in our hearts. He is in every family picture and present at every family gathering. I see him in my reflection in the mirror and in my daughter's eyes. He is with us when we play outside, when we're eating dinner and when I'm driving to work. He is always with us and he will always be.
I may sometimes waver from my belief that everything happens for a reason but I always come back to it at the end of the day. I have to believe that I was chosen because I will persevere. I will move forward and make the most out of these cards that I've been dealt. It's what my beautiful Zachary would want me to do.

I am entering a new phase in my grieving process. I met with a Grief Counselor for lunch yesterday. We talked for about an hour and discussed my personal situation and what I have done to pass the time. We discussed my daughter and S and how they have been coping and other family members. At the end of the meeting she said to me "What do you want from me? I mean, what do you hope to get out of meeting with me?" So I told her that I want to make sure that I am coping as well as I feel that I have been coping... To make sure that I'm not fooling myself into believing that I have delt with my grief, only to have it knock me on my ass a few months down the road. That's when she told me that I have done all the grief work and have taken an extremely healthy approach to healing and that there doesn't seem to be anything more that she can do to help me. She does, however, want to keep in touch and may recruit me to be an ambassador for this cause.
It's funny... I never imagined myself being such a fighter. I never thought that I could overcome something as life-altering as losing a baby. I always pictured myself as more of a curl up and die kind of person... but if I were to do that, then what would that say about my son's life? How could I let that be his legacy? I refuse to let my son's death be in vain. I need to feel like his death was for a purpose, even if the wisdom I have gained from losing him helps to save just one other baby, this pain that I have endured will have been worth it.
I can't imagine allowing this tragedy to define me. I need to emerge from this a better person, a better wife, a better mother. I want to remember my son in a positive way. I want to think of him and smile and know that he made a difference. I can't be sad forever. I can't be angry. I have to believe that I was chosen, that my family was chosen to travel this path for a reason. I have to believe that my baby was taken because I am a person who can make a difference. I am a person who can stand up for a change. I will dig for answers and look for solutions in order for other families to avoid having to go through what we've been through. I need to show my daughter that holding your head up high when all you want to do is fade into the darkness is the right way to overcome adversity. She needs to know that nobody is exempt from pain but how you get through it is what makes you stand apart from the crowd.