Friday, February 14, 2014

As years go by

Four and a half years have passed since we said goodbye... I often wonder if anyone thinks of you. I know I do. Every single day I think of you and what you would be like today. Last night I was looking at your little brother, who doesn't seem so little anymore. He was smiling and talking to your Daddy and just being goofy and I wondered about you. Would you have looked like he does, so handsome and mischievous? Would you fight bedtime as much as he does? Would you love cars and "'struction machines"? I would have registered you for Kindergarten this week. Most of the time when I think of you I don't feel sadness, more of a sense of wonder... You will always be a part of me, a part of my story, a part of how I got to be the person, the woman, the mother that I am today. You give me strength, but sometimes your part of my story makes me weak. It makes me sad that I had to learn that bad things happen to good people the hard way. It frustrates me that even if you do "everything right" sometimes things can go so wrong. Today I feel sad. I feel upset. I feel hurt. When I lost you my only hope was that my loss your help to prevent other people from experiencing the same fate. I hoped that people would learn that it's not just crackheads and risk-takers who lose their babies. Even people who eat well and don't smoke and live in nice neighbourhoods lose babies. When I hear of people close to me taking risks with their pregnancies it hurts me. It hurts my soul. I take it personally. It makes me feel like they didn't learn from you. I can't understand how anyone would take the risk if they knew how hard it was to lose you. I can't understand how people don't get that you can't take it back once those risks have been taken and that living with regrets is far worse than missing out on a little fun... My heart is aching for you today. I am wishing that I could go back in time and save you. I know that nothing that I did or didn't do caused your cord accident, but if I had known our fate I would have spent more time enjoying you while I had you, and paying attention to the little details of your short life. Those are my regrets. And once you were here I would've taken off your hat to see and stroke and kiss your hair, and I would've cut off a lock to treasure forever. I would've dressed you in your Winnie the Pooh pyjamas that I bought to bring you home in. They still sit in the closet unworn. I would've taken pictures of your hands and your sweet little feet, which were miniature versions of your sister's feet and your father's. I would've let your family love on you. You deserved that. They deserved that. I promised myself on that day that I would never go there. No what-if's. No should'ves. I knew that I couldn't go there, but 4 years out I am in a place where I can accept those regrets and move on. I will always miss you. I will always think of you. I will always wish that we had had more time. Happy Valentine's Day my little man. Mommy loves you.

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