Friday, March 5, 2010


How does anyone get through this? How does anyone go for nine months not knowing with each passing day whether their baby is going to be born alive???
I don't know how much more anxiety I can take. I can't sleep, I have no appetite, I can't concentrate. I just worry 24/7... and then I feel a kick and am reassured for that moment... but it never lasts.
I haven't seen my baby in 7 weeks. The last time I saw my baby it was essentially a blob with arms... For 3 weeks I felt my baby move all the time, day after day I was reassured by punches and kicks and nudges and then nothing 3 days... then reasssurance but never as strong as it had been... now nothing again... we had some flutters yesterday but was it the baby or gas... how can I really be sure?
I just sit here and cry my eyes out... I just want to KNOW that everything is going to be okay. I want to KNOW that my baby is not going to die. I want to know that my daughter is not going to have to cry herself to sleep for months again because she misses her baby brother or sister...
I want to know that my body is not going to fail me again.
I want to have faith that everything is going to be just fine and that all of this is worth it because at the end of it all I'll be bringing home a beautiful healthy baby.
One more week until my next appointment.
One more week until I know for sure whether my baby is alive.
11 more days until the anatomy scan.
11 more days until I know whether my baby is healthy.
11 more days until I can see my baby on that screen.
If we make it that far.
I never had these fears with my son. I had confidence. I had never lost something that meant so much to me. Now all I have is fear. Fear of losing a baby all over again. Fear of that shelf in the corner having two tiny little urns on it...
I try to be calm, I try to hold it together and some days I succeed. Others, like today, I fail miserably... and while I should be getting ready for work I sit here with tears streaming down my face trying to will my baby to give me a sign that he or she is still alive in there.
I always have a hard time around the 8th of the month... mostly leading up to it. Being pregnant has only intensified those emotions in me. I'm a wreck usually from the 5th until the 7th and generally the 8th comes and goes without incident. It's not like it's different that any other day... I mean, aside from the fact that my son was born sleeping 8 months ago on the 8th of July... It's not like I think of him more or miss him more I cry for him more... How could I? I do those things every day of my life.
The 8th of this month is a little different. The 8th of this month marks the halfway point in this pregnancy. On the 8th I will be starting the second half of this pregnancy. I will be 18 weeks and 5 days of a 37 week pregnancy. It will be the second leg of this LONG journey and hopefully it will all be worth it in the end.

Thursday, February 25, 2010

Thank you

Mabel's Labels is having a contest in which you can win a trip to BlogHer '10 and a one year gig blogging for them. How could I pass up that opportunity? For more information on the contest go to Here's the topic:

"Electrical storms are going to wipe out the Internet (perhaps forever). You have one day left to write about your passions: what do you want to say to the blogosphere in 300 words or less?"

I'd like to start by saying that over the last few months I've had the opportunity to "meet" so many wonderful people and to share my story and to feel like I wasn't alone through the darkest of days. The support system that I have built on the Internet through Message Boards, Twitter, Facebook and blogs have been my lifeline and have saved my sanity.

As much as the Internet is convenient and easy, we need to make that extra effort to keep in touch with all of the people who have touched our lives, and who have brought sunshine to our rainy days. We may not have the Internet but we still have Word! Write a letter, buy a stamp, send it off and let those people know how much they mean to you! You could even invest in some Return Address Labels from Mabel's Labels to ensure that you'll get a letter in return!

Life is too short and losing touch with those who have been your rock is not worth it! Pick up a phone, come out from behind this curtain of anonymity and show the world who you really are and let your friends know who they are too!

Leave your contact info in the comments section and I’ll be sure to keep in touch. Take care Internet Family and thank you for always being there!

Thursday, January 21, 2010

Baby of the Year

This time of the year is tough... this time of year is when every talk show and local newspaper decides to run their "Baby of the Year" contest bull-shit. It's a lovely reminder of just how many babies made it in to this world alive while mine is in an urn on a shelf in my TV room... It just doesn't seem fair. I used to love that section of the paper when I was younger... I would read every name and look at every little baby face and smile. Now I want to set the newspaper on fire and shove it up the editor's ass for being so insensitive without even knowing he's being insensitive. Same for Regis and Kelly. I'm sick and tired of seeing all your stupid Tweets about your beautiful baby contest! Maybe I should send you a picture of my stillborn son so you can see what a beautiful baby really looks like!!! It's all just a frustrating reminder of what my family lives without every single day of our lives. If only the world realized that these little things that bring so much joy to most people (mostly the winners, the losers never feel that great) brings so much pain to Mommies like me who have to live without their beautiful babies... Not for anything they did wrong, just for having drawn the short straw in the game of life...

Saturday, January 9, 2010


I sometimes revert to old feelings when faced with babies. Not all babies... just some babies... or rather when I am faced with numerous babies. For example, in a shopping mall, when every stroller is a reminder of what I am living without.
Sometimes I can't help but believe that my son was taken so that those babies could live, because if their baby had been stillborn then maybe mine would've been spared. I know logically that that is probably not the case. I have been through, in my mind, several times why mine was taken and not other people's. I probably know of at least a dozen women who have given birth to healthy babies since mine was stillborn. Each time I thought to myself "why mine and not hers?". Each time I was able to say "well, she had a rough time when..." so she's probably been through enough. Maybe their struggles will take place in the future and I will think back and say "Imagine having to endure a stillbirth AND that?"... Maybe I can bring the taboo issue of stillbirth to the forefront while she will keep quiet. Maybe I conceive easily while she struggles. I don't know the reason I was chosen. I probably won't ever know why, but I have accepted it. It's just that once in awhile I have to wonder. I look at all those strollers and I can't help but think about what should have been.
My life hasn't been all roses but I am thankful for what I have. I believe that every struggle that I have faced throughout my life has helped to build my character, has made me who I am today. I may at times be bitter and thin-skinned but I also believe that I am entitled to those feelings every so often.
I try with all my heart to take a positive approach to life. I try to see the silver lining in every situation, I try not to use my loss as an excuse, I try to believe that the future will bring me happiness.
I used to think that family pictures would never be complete and family gatherings would always be missing somebody but I know now that that couldn't be further from the truth. The truth is that, though my son may not be here with us on Earth, he is always in our hearts. He is in every family picture and present at every family gathering. I see him in my reflection in the mirror and in my daughter's eyes. He is with us when we play outside, when we're eating dinner and when I'm driving to work. He is always with us and he will always be.
I may sometimes waver from my belief that everything happens for a reason but I always come back to it at the end of the day. I have to believe that I was chosen because I will persevere. I will move forward and make the most out of these cards that I've been dealt. It's what my beautiful Zachary would want me to do.

Friday, January 8, 2010

6 months

I thought I would wait and see if anyone remembered that today is the 6 month anniversary of my son's stillbirth. I thought I would see if those who love me and who loved him would offer their support today without me having to ask for it. I even nonchalantly reminded some of those closest to me... my mother, my sister, a close friend... Nobody has said a word to me. Are they waiting for me to bring it up? They don't want to chance upsetting me on what might be a good day? I don't know...
I have learned one thing in the last 6 months, though. Actually I have learned many things. One of the things that I have learned, though, is that people would rather wait for you to bring up your tragedy than chance bringing it up and upsetting you on a good day.
The other thing that I have learned is that the build up and the anticipation of these horrible milestones are much worse than the actual milestones. Thinking about the months that have passed or the holidays that have been missed are much more painful than the anniversaries and holidays themselves.
I miss my son every day. I think of him constantly but I am not sad anymore. I may never feel complete, I will never forget but I can no longer be sad. I will not allow my son's life to be a sad part of my life. I loved him too much to be sad. He wouldn't want his Mommy to be sad forever. He would want me to move forward and smile and laugh and enjoy life, even if it is without him. He would want me to enjoy his big sister and embrace his little sister or brother who is on the way. He would want me to live the best life I can posibly live... and I know he is watching us and he knows how much we love him and miss him and how much we think about him. We don't need to be sad in order to grieve him.
I miss my son but I am not sad. He is with me in everything I do every single day of my life. I carry him in my heart and in my mind. I love him with everything that I have and he will always be a part of our family.

Friday, January 1, 2010

A New Year

I won't pretend that I'm sad to say goodbye to 2009.
Though 2009 had some bright spots... It was the year in which my son lived... if only just inside of me. It wwo children and as the year that he was born. It was also the year that we had to say goodbye to him. For that reason I am not sad to see this year come to a close.
I expected 2009 to bring joy and happiness and a completed family. I imagined having two living children anderness a brand new home. As many people know, life doesn't always turn out the way that we expect it to.
Though I miss my son, I have come to accept that he will never be with us. No amount of sadness or anger or bitterness will bring him back. 2009 was the most challenging year of my life. It turned my world and my family's life upside down. I often wondered throughout this year whether or not I would make it to this day.
Here I sit on the first day of 2010 looking forward to a new year, new hopes and new dreams. I look forward to a year of changes, a year of happiness and love. I look forward to welcoming the new addition to our family and I am prepared for the roller-coaster of emotions that come along with that journey.
I am not sad to see 2009 come to an end. I look forward to moving in to 2010.