Thursday, September 22, 2016

Life goes on

I remember reading a lot after I lost Zach and one of the stats that stuck with me was that 80% of couples who lose a child end up splitting up. I never wanted to be on the majority side of that statistic. Seven years out and I'm not sure how I feel about it. In my heart of hearts I don't really think that our loss has anything to do with the way I've been feeling lately. I don't think any one particular event in our lives brought us to where we are now. We are getting older, we have each grown in different ways and most days I don't think we've grown in the same direction. We still get along, we still laugh together, we don't fight all that much, but I feel like something is missing. Despite feeling loved, I can't shake the feeling that I want more. I want freedom, I want independence, I want... to be alone. I don't know how to be alone. I don't know how to take that step. I don't know how to tell someone who loves me more than life itself that I don't feel the same way. I don't know how to leave. So I stay. Another day, another month, another year. I stay.

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