Friday, January 8, 2010

6 months

I thought I would wait and see if anyone remembered that today is the 6 month anniversary of my son's stillbirth. I thought I would see if those who love me and who loved him would offer their support today without me having to ask for it. I even nonchalantly reminded some of those closest to me... my mother, my sister, a close friend... Nobody has said a word to me. Are they waiting for me to bring it up? They don't want to chance upsetting me on what might be a good day? I don't know...
I have learned one thing in the last 6 months, though. Actually I have learned many things. One of the things that I have learned, though, is that people would rather wait for you to bring up your tragedy than chance bringing it up and upsetting you on a good day.
The other thing that I have learned is that the build up and the anticipation of these horrible milestones are much worse than the actual milestones. Thinking about the months that have passed or the holidays that have been missed are much more painful than the anniversaries and holidays themselves.
I miss my son every day. I think of him constantly but I am not sad anymore. I may never feel complete, I will never forget but I can no longer be sad. I will not allow my son's life to be a sad part of my life. I loved him too much to be sad. He wouldn't want his Mommy to be sad forever. He would want me to move forward and smile and laugh and enjoy life, even if it is without him. He would want me to enjoy his big sister and embrace his little sister or brother who is on the way. He would want me to live the best life I can posibly live... and I know he is watching us and he knows how much we love him and miss him and how much we think about him. We don't need to be sad in order to grieve him.
I miss my son but I am not sad. He is with me in everything I do every single day of my life. I carry him in my heart and in my mind. I love him with everything that I have and he will always be a part of our family.

No comments:

Post a Comment

I'd love to hear your feedback, drop me a line in the comments section below.