Baby of the Year

This time of the year is tough... this time of year is when every talk show and local newspaper decides to run their "Baby of the Year" contest bull-shit. It's a lovely reminder of just how many babies made it in to this world alive while mine is in an urn on a shelf in my TV room... It just doesn't seem fair. I used to love that section of the paper when I was younger... I would read every name and look at every little baby face and smile. Now I want to set the newspaper on fire and shove it up the editor's ass for being so insensitive without even knowing he's being insensitive. Same for Regis and Kelly. I'm sick and tired of seeing all your stupid Tweets about your beautiful baby contest! Maybe I should send you a picture of my stillborn son so you can see what a beautiful baby really looks like!!! It's all just a frustrating reminder of what my family lives without every single day of our lives. If only the world realized that these little things that bring so much joy to most people (mostly the winners, the losers never feel that great) brings so much pain to Mommies like me who have to live without their beautiful babies... Not for anything they did wrong, just for having drawn the short straw in the game of life...

Sacrifice

I sometimes revert to old feelings when faced with babies. Not all babies... just some babies... or rather when I am faced with numerous babies. For example, in a shopping mall, when every stroller is a reminder of what I am living without.
Sometimes I can't help but believe that my son was taken so that those babies could live, because if their baby had been stillborn then maybe mine would've been spared. I know logically that that is probably not the case. I have been through, in my mind, several times why mine was taken and not other people's. I probably know of at least a dozen women who have given birth to healthy babies since mine was stillborn. Each time I thought to myself "why mine and not hers?". Each time I was able to say "well, she had a rough time when..." so she's probably been through enough. Maybe their struggles will take place in the future and I will think back and say "Imagine having to endure a stillbirth AND that?"... Maybe I can bring the taboo issue of stillbirth to the forefront while she will keep quiet. Maybe I conceive easily while she struggles. I don't know the reason I was chosen. I probably won't ever know why, but I have accepted it. It's just that once in awhile I have to wonder. I look at all those strollers and I can't help but think about what should have been.
My life hasn't been all roses but I am thankful for what I have. I believe that every struggle that I have faced throughout my life has helped to build my character, has made me who I am today. I may at times be bitter and thin-skinned but I also believe that I am entitled to those feelings every so often.
I try with all my heart to take a positive approach to life. I try to see the silver lining in every situation, I try not to use my loss as an excuse, I try to believe that the future will bring me happiness.
I used to think that family pictures would never be complete and family gatherings would always be missing somebody but I know now that that couldn't be further from the truth. The truth is that, though my son may not be here with us on Earth, he is always in our hearts. He is in every family picture and present at every family gathering. I see him in my reflection in the mirror and in my daughter's eyes. He is with us when we play outside, when we're eating dinner and when I'm driving to work. He is always with us and he will always be.
I may sometimes waver from my belief that everything happens for a reason but I always come back to it at the end of the day. I have to believe that I was chosen because I will persevere. I will move forward and make the most out of these cards that I've been dealt. It's what my beautiful Zachary would want me to do.

6 months

I thought I would wait and see if anyone remembered that today is the 6 month anniversary of my son's stillbirth. I thought I would see if those who love me and who loved him would offer their support today without me having to ask for it. I even nonchalantly reminded some of those closest to me... my mother, my sister, a close friend... Nobody has said a word to me. Are they waiting for me to bring it up? They don't want to chance upsetting me on what might be a good day? I don't know...
I have learned one thing in the last 6 months, though. Actually I have learned many things. One of the things that I have learned, though, is that people would rather wait for you to bring up your tragedy than chance bringing it up and upsetting you on a good day.
The other thing that I have learned is that the build up and the anticipation of these horrible milestones are much worse than the actual milestones. Thinking about the months that have passed or the holidays that have been missed are much more painful than the anniversaries and holidays themselves.
I miss my son every day. I think of him constantly but I am not sad anymore. I may never feel complete, I will never forget but I can no longer be sad. I will not allow my son's life to be a sad part of my life. I loved him too much to be sad. He wouldn't want his Mommy to be sad forever. He would want me to move forward and smile and laugh and enjoy life, even if it is without him. He would want me to enjoy his big sister and embrace his little sister or brother who is on the way. He would want me to live the best life I can posibly live... and I know he is watching us and he knows how much we love him and miss him and how much we think about him. We don't need to be sad in order to grieve him.
I miss my son but I am not sad. He is with me in everything I do every single day of my life. I carry him in my heart and in my mind. I love him with everything that I have and he will always be a part of our family.

A New Year

I won't pretend that I'm sad to say goodbye to 2009.
Though 2009 had some bright spots... It was the year in which my son lived... if only just inside of me. It wwo children and as the year that he was born. It was also the year that we had to say goodbye to him. For that reason I am not sad to see this year come to a close.
I expected 2009 to bring joy and happiness and a completed family. I imagined having two living children anderness a brand new home. As many people know, life doesn't always turn out the way that we expect it to.
Though I miss my son, I have come to accept that he will never be with us. No amount of sadness or anger or bitterness will bring him back. 2009 was the most challenging year of my life. It turned my world and my family's life upside down. I often wondered throughout this year whether or not I would make it to this day.
Here I sit on the first day of 2010 looking forward to a new year, new hopes and new dreams. I look forward to a year of changes, a year of happiness and love. I look forward to welcoming the new addition to our family and I am prepared for the roller-coaster of emotions that come along with that journey.
I am not sad to see 2009 come to an end. I look forward to moving in to 2010.

I Survived

Last year on December 23rd we announced to our then 5 year old daughter that she would no longer be an only child. Unfortunately here we are a year later and she remains, in her words, a "lonely" child.

When I was pregnant with Zach I imagined what the future would be like with two children. I imagined walking my daughter to school with him in his stroller. I imagined picking her up and her little head popping into the stroller to greet him and I imagined him giggling with delight at the sight of her. I imagined that she would be the center of her baby brother's Universe. I imagined our first Christmas as a "real" family. We decided to have everyone to our house so that he wouldn't have to go out in the cold.

I imagined life with two children for many milestones that have passed over the last couple of months. My daughter's birthday, my best friend's wedding, Thanksgiving, Halloween and Christmas. I looked forward to sharing all of those events with my children. When those events came and went I was proud of myself for having survived each one. Not always with grace and dignity and sometimes with tears and pain but I made it through. With each one I realized my stregth and ability to overcome just about anything. I wondered if Christmas would be the same.

In the end, having survived this first Christmas without our baby boy I can honestly say that the anticipation was worse than the actual event. I survived. We survived. Hopefully this next year will bring happiness and health and a healthy baby brother or sister for our little girl.

I am not sad to say goodbye to 2009. Bring on 2010 and all it has to offer!

5 months ago today

5 months ago today I held your angel body.
I looked at your angel face and kissed your angel skin.
5 months ago today you came into this world without a sound...
Without a breath...
I unwrapped you and looked at your tiny body, I counted your fingers and toes and kissed your hands...
I held my hand to your chest and longed for your heart to beat...
I touched your soft hair and your tiny ears.
We compared your looks to those of your big sister on the day that she was born.
We talked about what colour your eyes would be, if only they would open.
I sang to you and rocked you and loved you as much as any Mommy could in the short period that I had with you.
No amount of time could have ever been enough.
But your body was growing tired and I knew we had to say goodbye.
I miss you every single day.
Every day I wonder what you would be like today.
I wonder what milestones you would be reaching and what kind of baby you would be.
You are always in my thoughts
You are always in my heart
You will forever be my baby boy.
Mommy loves you, Zach.
xoxoxoxo

I am entering a new phase in my grieving process. I met with a Grief Counselor for lunch yesterday. We talked for about an hour and discussed my personal situation and what I have done to pass the time. We discussed my daughter and S and how they have been coping and other family members. At the end of the meeting she said to me "What do you want from me? I mean, what do you hope to get out of meeting with me?" So I told her that I want to make sure that I am coping as well as I feel that I have been coping... To make sure that I'm not fooling myself into believing that I have delt with my grief, only to have it knock me on my ass a few months down the road. That's when she told me that I have done all the grief work and have taken an extremely healthy approach to healing and that there doesn't seem to be anything more that she can do to help me. She does, however, want to keep in touch and may recruit me to be an ambassador for this cause.
It's funny... I never imagined myself being such a fighter. I never thought that I could overcome something as life-altering as losing a baby. I always pictured myself as more of a curl up and die kind of person... but if I were to do that, then what would that say about my son's life? How could I let that be his legacy? I refuse to let my son's death be in vain. I need to feel like his death was for a purpose, even if the wisdom I have gained from losing him helps to save just one other baby, this pain that I have endured will have been worth it.
I can't imagine allowing this tragedy to define me. I need to emerge from this a better person, a better wife, a better mother. I want to remember my son in a positive way. I want to think of him and smile and know that he made a difference. I can't be sad forever. I can't be angry. I have to believe that I was chosen, that my family was chosen to travel this path for a reason. I have to believe that my baby was taken because I am a person who can make a difference. I am a person who can stand up for a change. I will dig for answers and look for solutions in order for other families to avoid having to go through what we've been through. I need to show my daughter that holding your head up high when all you want to do is fade into the darkness is the right way to overcome adversity. She needs to know that nobody is exempt from pain but how you get through it is what makes you stand apart from the crowd.